Every teenager has a fear of eventually becoming like their parents. At the age of 17, I can clearly remember being so cool that I couldn’t possibly imagine becoming uptight like my parents; bugging me about turning off the lights or leaving the window open to “heat up the neighborhood” in the winter. Life has a way of changing though, and as they say – the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. With young kids of my own now, I’m always calling my son downstairs to turn off the lights in his bedroom. Whether we like it or not, we all end up more like our parents than we care to admit because of the attitudes, beliefs, and habits that have been imprinted on us over the years by the ones who raised us. I’ve found it really helpful both personally and professionally to explore these connections when it comes to money – uncovering the money messages we’ve been given helps us reinforce the good ones or change the ones we don’t like.
Our attitude and beliefs about money have their roots in value-laden messages we’ve picked up along life’s journey. These messages have a tangible effect on how we view and ultimately make use of our money. One person might feel gratified and “wealthy” earning $100,000 of income, while another will feel disillusioned and deprived at the same level of income. Some people have more money than they can spend in a lifetime but still drive a rusted-out ’90s pickup because “vehicles are a depreciating asset” while another person might drive a nicer vehicle because of the way it makes them feel and for the enjoyment of the driving experience. Has there ever been a time where a friend has shown or told you about their new purchase and you thought to yourself – “I’d never buy that with MY money” or thought it to be an irresponsible or frivolous purchase? I know I have! We all make value judgments when it comes to money and having self-awareness of where those come from can help us use our money more intentionally and with more understanding, especially if we have a spouse or S.O that has different values than we do when it comes to money. With that in mind let’s talk about some questions we can ask ourselves to explore where our perspectives, preferences, and values around money come from.
Messages about money are passed down from generation to generation, worn and chipped like family dishes. Your own memories about money will tell you a lot if, you take that step back and see what those memories taught you about who you were—and whether those messages are still telling you who you are Today.
– Suze Orman, The 9 Steps to Financial Freedom
Thinking back to your childhood home, was there an atmosphere or plenty or scarcity? How did you parents and grandparents treat money? Was money a source of conflict between your parents and/or generations? Was money a taboo subject or was it a matter of family discussion and planning? The money messages we receive are not only clothed in the words of others but in their behaviors as well. Did the adults in your life demonstrate responsible or irresponsible money management behaviours?
Next, reflect on your relationships with your peers. As children approach their preteen and teenage years, the opinions, and behaviors of others their own age become more influential than those of their parents. What was the financial status of your closest friends? Did your closest friends have after-school or summer jobs? Did they squander their money or did they carefully plan their expenditures? Did they save money or did they spend everything immediately? Did you ever try to “buy” friendship? Did you ever feel rejected by your peers because of your financial status?
As you continue to seek the roots of money beliefs, think about your significant relationships. Was money considered the male domain? Was money the source of conflict? Was money an open issue? Was money used as a way to control you or to make you feel inferior? Did you feel pressure to being home the bacon to feel like you were contributing, or use money to gain control in the relationship?
A review of your money history will give you tremendous insight into the money messages that consciously and subconsciously influence how you deal with money issues on a day-to-day basis. These revelations are not intended to give you the opportunity to place blame, but rather to help you recognize the obstacles to your financial wellness. Remember, awareness is the first step to change.
– Jon Corrigan, CFP®, CLU
Certified Financial Planner®, Chartered Life Underwriter
